So I'm wondering.
What exactly is it that you do when your all isn't enough? I had a great guy in my possession (if that's how you want to put it). Although we were in a long distance relationship - things were okay. We had plans for the future and it seemed as though they would work out more than fine. He was my world and I can't even lie and say that he doesn't have some of my heart even after all that
we went through cause I'd be lying to myself. As much as we'd like to at times; we can't turn our emotions on and off. I continuously ask myself what if what if what if. But that's not fair to myself or him because that's not how things went.
Let me stop and make a mention of how
hard it is to stay in a long distance relationship. I probably should have started by saying this ...
I don't care what anyone says ... It takes two very strong willed and open minded individuals to take on a long distance relationship. You have to be
creative and
willing to understand that you wont have the same opportunities and the same problems as anyone in a normal relationship. Long distance relationships are a far cry from normal.
I give so much praise for those couples married/not married who have significant others in the military for battling the constant absence of their loved ones. I believe I could do it - but it always takes
2 in these matters.
So now he's seeing someone else and to be honest with myself - I don't know whether to be happy or mad. When you love someone I strongly believe that you should be happy for the person regardless if things happen that don't include you. I know he's a good guy and I am happy that someone is there for him doing
all the things that I couldn't do from where I was. He does have the right to do what he's got to do and I'm not mad about that. I think that when he's happy he will do all that he can to make his significant other (Whoever it may be) as happy as he can.
On the other hand - here I am, alone again wondering where the hell did I go wrong. I went crazy over him so so long. Things went longer and it was harder than I ever anticipated. But I tried so hard to hold on by anything I could get a hold of. I promised him this and I wasn't going to settle for giving him any less of myself. For him or anyone else to tell me that I gave any less than my all kills me.
For all the guys that said I didn't do enough, or that I didn't look enough, or that I didn't have enough - when will there be a time when someone tells me that I do them just fine? What do I have to do for someone think that Im giving
all that I can and completely respect and appreciate all that I give? It's like I have to pull a Vicent VanGoh and cut my damn ear off lol.
Is it always this ridiculously hard?
It seems like everyone is so happy with their lovers and husbands, and wives, and families and I just can't get it. It's funny because I was reading up on my zodiac sign and caught an interesting piece of information. The site listed common problems that may arise for Aquarius and their solutions. There was also information on our strengths and weakness' and all that good stuff. When I read through the problems I saw this:
Problem: Being left all alone while others enjoy the companionship you long for.
Problem: You always seem to miss the boat when it comes to love.
Is it me? Am I too picky? Am I hard to deal with? Maybe it's time to re-evaluate myself rather than look at everyone else and their faults. On the same hand the things that I look for in the men I date or speak to on a higher level I would never expect more from them than I could do myself. That would be completely unfair.
I look at my parents who were together 7 years before they were married, engaged for 1 year, and have been together now for 14 years. 
They are still together, still go on dates, and are going more than strong. I can't even keep my shit together for 2 years? Horrible huh lol.
Don't get me wrong - although absolutely love being in a relationship; that's not the only thing I think about. Having someone to talk to, someone to confide in, someone to spend time with - BUT; . I do want a successful career and to make as much of myself as possible so that in the future I can give my family all that I possibly can. One of my biggest dreams is to have a family though - and as ridiculous as it may seem: I'm scared as hell that I will be the cat lady. The old lady in the neighborhood that lives in a little secluded house with millions of cats since she has no companion.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
That's more than a nightmare to me.
To be Continued ....
